Live your own life…

Try not to live each other’s life. You can’t change who you are and what you love to do - and neither can she.

It happends way too often. The two of you fall in love, you move in with each other and enters a romantic life together. And then one of you - or both- gives up everything you used to do “before” to fill your day. In benefit(?) of each other…

And one day you discover that you actually have no life of your own. No tennis, no stampcollecting, no beer on the pub with da mates, no nothing. You realize that you live only through her…

Don’t let that happen. Encourage each other  to keep on living your own lives. Give yourselves enough space to spend time and do things apart from your love. Nothing good comes from holding hands 24/7.

To quote John Gray, I have my own “cave” to dwell in. I am a travelling book salesman and every night before a day out, I spend an hour or two in the garage, filling up the van with new books. From time to time, I sort of slow things down, spend a little more time than needed in there. And that is only in order to be by myself for a little while. Time to let my thoughts wander freely. Time to be silent, to have no one to talk to. Time to breathe, to be just…me.

And I say this enriches our life together. I am convinced that my time alone makes me feel so much better. And therefor the time with my wife makes me whole.

I need both. I need her more than I ever needed anything in my life. But I also need the space and time to talk to myself.

We have also learned to “be alone together”. We can sit in the same room doing different stuff, without speaking to each other for an hour or more. Just being content to be in the same room.

And after 17 years, our love continues to grow deeper.

Until next time,

//Pelle

Those tiny little white lies…

You have all heard the old saying. ” A liar’s most important “quality” is a very good memory.”

True enough. If you start spreading lies around you you sure as hell need to remember every word that comes from your mouth. Otherwise, you are in deep shit.

But that’s not my point here. I have definately no wish to teach you how to live your life in lies, and get away with it. That would contradict all I stand for. For me, lying to my love does not exist.

It has to do with respect.You don’t want to lie to a person you love and respect. Be you - remember? Lies are an evil thing. It achieves nothing. It only turns your relationship into a mine field.

If you have done something that will upset your girl - be honest about it. Your relationship will survive that small thingy. Maybe it will survive just because you were honest about it. It means she will trust you when you actually have not been a bad boy.

Else - think twice before doing it, if it scares you to tell her.

However - a little piece of advice may fit in here. Avoiding lies, does not mean you have to spell your every thought out loud. “Do I look fat in this?” Tricky, right? Maybe the right choice of answer is not “yes, a little”…. You can probably honestly tell her that she looks better in that other dress.

All in all, telling the truth might mess your day up. But lies will screw you for life.

’til next time - be true

//Pelle

Help your love to grow as a person…

I always hear people - friends as well as others- discuss their partners in terms of; “is she the right one for me?” “Is he really my Prince Charming???”

I admit - I used to be one of those people myself. Always wondering, always asking meself if “she” was the princess I’d been waiting for. But somewhere along the way I read something somewhere. I can’t recall if it was some old asian word of wisdom, or what it really was. What I do remember, is that it made some impression on me. It read:

“Do not be so concerned whether she is the right one for you, or not. Instead put your effort in being the right one for her.”

Now - this is truly words of wisdom. These words are damn well worth pondering over. Are we all too self-occupied? Are we or aint we looking only to our own good?

What do these words mean?

There was no answer to that. No key to the right answers… So I had to be my own interpreter.

Eventually, I did find some ways to put this to use in my every day life together with me wife.

First of all; try to be her best support, her best sponsor if you like. Every now and then she she will need your support in one way or another. You will need to be there for her - to comfort, to support, to tell her she’s doing the right thing, to help her her decide…(you decide how long you want this list to be…) Always, always!, let her know that you are by her side, and by her side only. Make it your task to see to it, that she feels good and comfortable. She is worth your every effort - remember, you do love her - right?

This has grown to be very important to me, and my wife, in our relationship. No matter what happends, we both know that we can count on each other’s support. We can rely on each other in every situation what ever it may be.

In situations of sorrow, grief or despair, be there for her, try helping find a way out of it. Or if it is impossible at the time, just be there by her side. She needs the comfort and empathy you can offer.

Also in moments of utter happiness, there aint no joy if we have no one to share it with. Here, too, she wants you to be by her side. To be honestly happy for her. Share her tears, whether they are tears of sorrow, ot tears of joy.

And then what? What else does this saying mean?

I’d say: Do whatever you can do to help her grow as a person! Is she a hobby writer? Then encourage her from your heart, let her know what she is good at, praise her improvements with all your heart. Tell her that she is a good writer - push her onwards. There is nothing more uplifting to me, than when my wife boost my self-confidence by saying: “That song is so good!” about a song I wrote, and played it for her for the first time. One of the best moments I ever had was one time, when I played a sad song I just wrote, to her. When I finished, she looked at me without words, and tears was running down her cheeks. She didn’t need to say anything.

We all need this. We all need to hear that we are good at something. We all need to be encouraged.  And who would tell us, if not our loved ones? I am most fortunate to have this wonderful, sexy, loving wife that keeps telling me I’m the world’s most fantastic man.

Sometimes I actually believe her….. ;o)

This morning I got up early( well….8AM).

I was heading to Gothenburg to pick up some books for our business. Making breakfast, I notice there was no coffee. A little disturbed, I manage to dig up some old instant capuccino coffee.

Well on my way, I stopped at the gas station to buy a coke and something to chew on. And then the thought struck me; Mi -me wife- had no coffee.

“What the hell” I thought. “It’s only a 5 minute delay”. I bought a pack of coffe at the gas station - at triple the the price compare to the grocery store - but wtf - It wasn’t open this early anyway.

I headed back home, dropped the coffee in our mailbox (no…not the email inbox, nerd), next to the morning paper, and went on with my trip to Gothenburg.

About two hours later, my SMS inbox yells.

“Thanks for being such a wonderful husband. Thank you for buying me coffee! I love you. Kisses, your wife”

That little wonderful message is worth ANY trouble. For that little 5 minute effort I made my wife love me - all day!  :o)

Not a big task. Not a monstrous effort in any way. But the reward is so great.

It only takes a moment of care. You only need to think of your love for one second, and go a little out of your way to make her happy. It didn’t take much. But the reward shure made those minutes worth while.

See you again.

//Pelle

About being best friends…

When you need help in any way - where do you go? If you are feeling blue or having problems - who do you talk to? Your sister? Your buddy? You go to mom?

That’s all fine. Don’t stop. Keep doing that, but please think of this:

You actually don’t have to step out of your way. You don’t have to go anywhere. Me and my wife are sharing the great fortune and pleasure to have each other as our best friends. This is, as far as I can see, very important if you are serious about having a healthy relationship.

I mean, if my love is having troubles with something what so ever, if she by some reason is feeling down , I sure would want her to come to me - at least for comfort if nothing else. I would want to be there for her. I would want to be her natural choice of  person to come talkling to. To be the shoulder for her to cry on, if needed.

But apart from troubles and downsides? Even in our daily life, when everything is fine, we are really best friends. And i can see no reason why we should not be. After all we live our days together, we laugh at the same jokes. We eat the same food at the same table, we are intimate lovers. We share everything, and there are no secrets between us.

It’s just natural. Our deep friendship came unforced, without us having to “decide” that it should be so. We have grown so close together, and we appreciate each others company - it’s only natural for us to turn to each other, when we need to. Or to have a shoulder to cry on.

All those little things…

Little things. In an ordinary day in an ordinary life nothing much happens worth dwelling on…

You think so? Well, think of all those little moments. In a fragment of a second something can occur that makes your day. Or ruins it. I think we need to stop for a second, try to halt our rush-hour lives now and then and pay attention to what goes on. There are so many things that can make us happy, laugh out loud, or just smile with amusement for a few seconds. Examples of what I mean could be:

• Watching the birds in spring moving in into the nesting box you just built
• Waking up to notice it’s a clear blue sky outside.
• Looking out the window and see the rain pouring down. (Hell, what do I know? There are ppl that loves that too)
• Finding a 100 dollar bill in that jacket you haven’t used in ages

I could make this list a thousand pages… However - it aint really those “little things” I meant initially. What I find important is what is going on between me and my wife. Here, too, you can find a lot of small moments that actually strengthens your relationship.

One example, I was sitting the other day, my head deeply buried in the computer screen, editing my swedish homepage. When I looked up, I “caught” my wife sitting there watching me. I blinked, and she gave me a little smile, her eyes still focused on mine. Then she blinked back and continued reading.

Another thing between us is that we hardly ever walk by each other, without someone reaches out to touch the other. Nothing sexual (well….mostly not, anyway) only a brief touch while we keep on passin each other. Sometimes one of us grabs hold, and we share a brief but warm hug.

More of this to come. //Pelle

Words…an underestimated power

I am 47 years old. I met my wife in october 1990. We married in 1992. And still, after all this years, almost 17 years later, I still consider me as a happily married man. And I tell you, it keeps growing better for every year that passes by.

We hardly ever fight (anymore :o) ) , our sexlife….Wow -our sexlife is….ehm…well….none of your business, actually…

The thing is, we work together. We actually spend almost 24 hours a day in each other’s company. And still we don’t rip each other’s heart out. And why is that?

Maybe I’m just fortunate. Maybe I stumbled on the once-in-a-lifetime bulls-eye moment. I sure am. And I sure did.

But - is that all there is to it? I don’t think so. I think I - we- must be doing something right. The unique power of love that we share would never had existed if we had chosen the ‘wrong’ path in our relationship.

In the beginning, this path had so many forks…And, of course, we made a lot of wrong turns in our first years together. But somehow we always got back on track again.

Because we wanted to.

Because we learned that romance is not always about what you want - but also what she wants. It takes  two to tango - right?

Because we eventually learned how to talk to each other.We learned to communicate!

One of the biggest, and most common, I believe, mistakes we make is a HUGE one. Men and women alike, we automatically assume that “she knows what I mean”.

Have you ever heard a woman say; “He should have known that, without me having to spell it out loud!”   For Christ’s sake - we are no mindreaders! Talk to each other! Always let him/her know you feelings. Good feelings as well as the bad ones.

I know you can do this. I know that, because I myself must have been the worst case ever. In the early years of our life together I was really a zombie regarding this subject.   All credits goes to my wife for awakening me. She literally forced me to start talking ’bout my feelings, my needs. She made me talk about what I wanted in our relationship. She made me understand the importance of communications in our relationship.

Regardless of what you believe, there is no way he/she can know your feelings or your needs without you telling her/him. “She should have known….”  “She should have guessed I didn’t want her to do that….” Ridiculous statements, if you ask me!

How ever - unfortunately it’s not enough to start talking to each other. There is another huge obstacle….

Know this: We men do not speak the same language as women do. I’m sorry, but it is a fact. It is not a subject John Gray wrote several books about just for the fun of it. This is crucial for the survival of your relationship.

Even if you guys actually manage to start to really talk to each other, there is no telling if your partner knows what you are saying. Sometimes we almost need an interpretor sitting between us. I can’t count the times we have actually have had the same opinion, but ended up arguing just because we didn’t speak the same language.

I won’t go any deeper into this (remember, John Gray has filled several books on this) right now. But be sure that you are aware of this. Make sure that  your love really understands what you mean.

This Mars and Venus thing is nothing but True. Believe me

The proverb I quoted yesterday hasn’t really anything to do with what I’m talking about. That proverb is for you who keeps babbling and never let anyone else open their their mouth. But it’s worth a thought nevertheless…

Anyway.

Being a good listener isn’t always about participating in a discussion or having alternate sulutions or ideas to what she is talking about. There is another side to it. (I guess there might be a thousand sides more, but this is one.)

There will be moments when she feels depressed, moments when she is pissed at something at work, moments when she feels indecisive. And as the practical kind of helpful guy I am, I come running with the perfect solution! And waits for her to hug me and say “thanks” a thousand times, waiting for her to kiss me a thousand times.

More often than not, this is not what she wants from you. Sometimes, it’s even going to upset her a bit. What she really wants, is your absolute attention. She may just need to get it out of her system, talk to someone, preferably you, about it. So don’t throw yourself over her with ” a thousand ways to solve your problem”, when it’s not want she wanted in the first place.

Of course you can ask her, if you can help in any way. But you will be surprised to hear her reply,almost every time. “Nah…I just wanted to let you know how I feel - I’ll manage.

Basically - the issue here is that she will be satisfied just by knowing that you understand how she feels, she will be comforted by knowing that she has your complete support - every step of the way.

 To be continued. //Pelle

Listen - or thy tongue will keep thee deaf. - Native American Proverb

Imagine this: The two of you is having a late supper. You have finished eating, and you are sipping your second cup of coffee, tea or - what the hell, if you like - your 2nd glass of whiskey. You have both told each other about the day that passed - you in like 25 words, and your love in… um….500? In front of you lies the crosswords, sudoku or the evening paper and you are, at least a little, concentrating in reading/solving. -Honey? she says. Know what? You peak at her with one eye and nods. I saw this ad today. A trip to greece, hotel, all inclusive, pool at the roof. The beach is on your doorstep and there is live performances every night at the bar.And you know, I would soo love to get out of here for a weeek or two, the work is getting on my nerves, Susan is a fucking bitch I cant stand even seeing her, and Nick! Please dont get me started on Nick.And every day I have to pick up the garbage in the kitchen, no one else does, and I am so damn tired of beeing the only one who can master the Excel macros we work with. Every damned idiot comes to me for help. What are they, freaking retards? Anyways, I can see you and me there, at the beach, with a Pina Colada each in our hands, just feeling great. At maybe in the late night, even making love at the beach while the waves keep rolling in over us.Wouldnt that be just fantastic?And now is the the time that you make that lethal mistake.-Sure, you say.And you turn your attention to your sudoku again.

If you by now ain’t already dead, she sure as hell have the right to make you feel so.

What I’m really saying is, that you must show her, the love of your life, some respect. I dont care if you had a shitty day. I dont care if you are dead tired. And I certainly dont care if you are “not in the mood”.

If you cant show that gordious woman the respect of really listen to her, then I wuddnt give your relationship the chance to live even for a year.

Know what I mean? Respect! What she really would have wanted you to to is saying something like:

-Man that would be so nice! Or:

-I love that idea, but I would rather take a trip to Spain. And take this holiday discussion to the next level.

Get the idea? It is not really so much what you reply, it’s more that you’re showing some interest in what she is talking about. And show that you are eager to discuss this.

And is this no place for pretending. Dont even think of pretending to be interested in what she has to say. You need to be genuinly interested. Otherways, you and her hasn’t much to give each other.

If you truly - I mean truly - love that girl, then it won’t be a need for “pretending”. If she is the girls of your dreams, you princess, then all this comes naturally.

More about this tomorrow….

Define love. I mean, what is love, really? And what isn’t? It’s not that easy to answer that question, huh?

But say this: Love is all about doing whatever it takes (or in some cases not doing certain things) to keep your girlfriend/spouse/wife/mistress happy. Right?

No?

No! That is definitely one thing that love is not. Denying yourself is absolutely taking the wrong road. You will eventually come to a point in your life, when you cant stand another day in her company. Probably, she will grow tired of you, as well. There is no identity to find in a man who follows his’ girl’s every single wish ( Which by now has become commands) He becomes transparent, a second little-finger on his wife’s left hand.

So - the 1’st of my 10 advices to you must be:

WALK YOUR OWN PATH! Follow your heart in every aspect and moment of your life. You need to be true to yourself. Make every word you say your own.

Now…Every decision you make, may not be the “right” one. So be it. But they will be your decisions. And the woman of your heart may not approve on every single decision you make. Face it - she might even be angry with you. So what? That’s not the end of the world. In the end, it’s all for the better. In her eyes, you will no more be a nobody. In her eyes you will have a soul of your own, you are a person that is you.

How could she love you, if she doesn’t know who you are? And how the hell is she supposed to desire your love if she sees right through you?

The answer is: She cannot. And she won’t.

(To be continued….)

Authors note: As far as I know, there is no government stating these 10 steps as rules. They are not to be looked upon as facts. These are my own personal thoughts and experiences from 17 years of marriage. (Yes - I managed to keep this great feline for all these years). I have discovered that it works for my wife - but more important, they work for me.

Yadayada…What I’m trying to say. Follow the advices at your own risk. Don’t come killing me if she turns mad, and breaks up with you.